This article was handcrafted.

(It's not a selling point.)

I found the greatest thing ever in the frozen food aisle at my local grocery store. While perusing the various options of heat-and-serve breakfast burritos, one clearly stood out. There was no denying that THIS pack of mass-produced, uniformly sized, freezer-burned breakfast burritos were top-of-the-line. After all, the packaging proudly proclaimed these burritos were “hand crafted”. 

I sure hope Tina isn’t the ONLY one hand-crafting all these individually-wrapped breakfast burritos! Image © Larry Perez

The term “hand crafted” is increasingly slapped on merchandise to justify charging consumers a healthy premium. Neighborhood restaurants entice you with “hand crafted” sandwiches. Purveyors of personal care products peddle “hand crafted” bars of soap. Breweries advertise “hand crafted” brews to potential customers (as if most beer-guzzlers were so discerning). 

And why not? Its clever marketing. The term evokes images of a burly, leather-aproned artisan toiling in a sun-lit, sparsely-furnished workshop as he lovingly brings an inspired vision to life. Respecting tradition, he works only with the essential tools handed down to him from previous generations of craftsmen. Believing it taints the purity of process, he eschews the use of all modern machinery. He works simply by force of muscle and finesse of mind. 

That vision might actually resemble reality for some hand crafted goods. Blacksmiths shaping smoldering ribbons of steel with hammer and anvil into decorative wrought iron gates. Furniture makers turning lengths of maple into ornate table legs on a rapidly spinning lathe. And blowers using pipes, paddles, and crimps to shape molten glass into delicate knickknacks. 

Now imagine bored line workers in head nets repeatedly folding tortillas into breakfast burritos for hours on end. Is “hand crafted” really the right term to apply?

The abject absurdity of the “hand crafted” claim is best understood by just asking, “As opposed to what?” Are Germans flooding the market with industrial, robot-built breakfast burritos? Do some furniture makers sloppily build murphy beds with their feet? Do makers of inferior soap products outsource their manufacturing to raccoons? (They do like to wash, after all.)

Of course not. The truth is, literally everything we produce requires some form of “manual manipulation” at some point in the process. Raw materials may be harvested by hand. Manufacturing equipment may be serviced by hand. Finished products may be packaged and loaded by hand. And yet you never see any goods promoted as “hand loaded!”

If the “laying of hands” upon a product magically improves its quality, why stop at manufacturing? The trucking companies that transport those goods far and wide should promote their fleet as “hand driven”. The retail outlets where those goods are sold should proudly advertise their inventory as “hand stocked”. And customers who purchase those goods should be complimented for the careful manner with which they “hand purchase” their items. 

Generally, there are three domains where “hand crafted” seems a pretty sharp disincentive for purchase. Namely, those items that are edible, abundant, or important.    

Goods to Ingest
Personally, I don’t want to think about anyone’s hands “crafting” my food. I don’t relish the thought of handmade pizza, guacamole, or sandwiches. I’ve been in a Subway just long enough to learn there aren't enough plastic gloves on Earth to sufficiently separate my tuna footlong from the hands of the borderline vagrant making it. 

Yes, I realize the hands of complete strangers fondle my grub at virtually every step in the industrial food chain. So deriving any enjoyment from a prepared meal requires intentional mental gymnastics to distract myself from thinking about it. Slapping “hand crafted” on the menu in bold letters shreds the illusion entirely. And as the fantasy fades, well, so does my appetite. 

Goods Already Mass-Produced
In a world awash in literally millions of perfectly good, factory-made combs, what's the advantage of this “handcrafted” one? Does it look any different? Does it use new technology? Is it carved from illegal ivory obtained during a large-game raid in the remote regions of Botswana? No! So please tell me why “hand-crafted” combs are so expensive they can be financed and paid for in installments.

Factory-made goods are produced rather easily with the aid of machinery. So when “hand crafted” alternatives are offered, one can’t help but think about the needlessly repetitive effort necessary to produce literally thousands of seemingly identical items. One can’t help but think about the actual hands doing the work. Thousands of hands working together. Small, sweaty hands. Working long hours, together, under one hot roof. Six or seven days a week. See where I’m going with this? Investigations into sweatshops at home and abroad suggest a lot can go wrong when people try to scale up the volume of “hand crafting”. Turns out the premium you pay for a high-end comb may not make it to those actually doing the carving.

Goods of Particular Import
I could be convinced to buy a “hand crafted” bracelet, cribbage board, or decorative knick knack. But for high-cost functional items like radios and furniture, I really don’t want anything “hand crafted”, “hand carved”, or “hand made”. In fact, I’d really prefer a strictly-regulated “robot made” certification of some sort. At least robots are consistent.

Putting your faith in an artisan is always a crap shoot. Are they crafting your item at the end of a forty-year career, or on day one of an apprenticeship? Are they toiling on your item in the warm brightness of a summer morning, or the dour doldrums of a winter night? Are they working under the influence of caffeine or morphine? An awful lot dictates whether your new dining room table arrives with four legs of equal length.

So there you have it: my manifesto on the shortfalls of “hand crafted” as a selling point. For those of you still unconvinced, it should warm your heart that I manually punched up this piece by hand. Yes, this very article is itself “hand crafted”.

So if it sucks, at least you know why.

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Clip and store this helpful reminder in your wallet. It might save you a few bucks on hand-made goods…